I’m moving out.

I’m scared shitless.

I’m not sure why. It’s not like my new apartment is far away. I can come home every weekend if I really want to. What’s so scary?

I’ve never lived outside of my parents house. I never even went to summer camp as a kid. I think the longest I’ve been without my parents is less than two weeks. I’ve always thought of myself as an independent person, but as moving day gets closer, I’m realizing just how reliant I’ve been on my parents.

However, this move has been a long time coming. I need to grow up; I need to learn to live life on my own terms, not on my parents’.

Any tips/words of advice/warnings for me? I can’t believe how fast this is happening.

I have dealt with mood disorders since I was 16. Since then, I have had quite a few depressive episodes, and I have bounced back from them as well. However, I have never managed to find the root of my disorder until recently.

I am lucky enough to have found an amazingly helpful psychiatrist, and he actually took the possibility that I have ADD very seriously. He sent me to a specialist to diagnose me, and sure enough, I’ve got a pretty severe case of it.

Contrary to popular belief, ADD isn’t always obvious from childhood, especially in girls. See, I have what is known as the inattentive type of ADD. I’m not hyperactive; I don’t squirm in my seat, I was never a troublemaker, etc. Inattentive ADD is quiet. People with inattentive ADD are unable to focus, easily distracted, unorganized, forgetful, and lethargic. These things aren’t easily spotted and thought of as a medical condition. Unfortunately, people with inattentive ADD often come off as lazy and unmotivated. Throughout all my years of schooling, I was thought of as a lazy underachiever by my parents, teachers, and fellow students. When you have so much negative reinforcement coming from so many angles, it is very easy to internalize it and believe it yourself. The result: anxiety and mood disorders. (You can check out the Wikipedia article for more information. I know Wikipedia isn’t always reliable, but this article cites reliable sources.)

I’ve always been an ambitious person. Essentially, I feel like a type-A personality trapped inside the mind of someone with ADD. I know that doesn’t make sense to most people, but that’s how it is. Wanting to be this type-A person, but being unable to achieve my high goals, and having so much negative reinforcement, have essentially been the catalysts for my mental illness. There are plenty of secondary factors (which I won’t get into right now), but at the core of it all, my ADD issues have resulted in all of the self-esteem issues and depressive episodes. I know ADD is very hard for people without it to understand, and understanding how it leads to depression may be even harder. You might think of me as whiney, or making excuses, or whatever. But, as a good friend would say, this is MY truth, and the truth of many others plagued by ADD and depression. Whether people understand or not isn’t going to change that fact.

I’m almost 23 and still do not have a degree. There is no way I can go back and fix things so that I would have a degree at a “typical” age. What I can do, however, is help myself, and that is what I am doing. For one, my psychiatrist has me on medication. Remember, ADD/ADHD are the result of a chemical imbalance, one that needs to be under control in order for the patient to get their life back on track. Two, I have just started seeing a therapist that is NOT about “talk therapy.” I don’t go there for an hour each week to cry and talk about my problems. She works me pretty hard: I am given homework, strategies, concrete ways of managing ADD.

I still have a long way to go. In fact, I’ve been in the middle of a long depressive episode. It wasn’t triggered by anything, which can be hard to understand. I’m lucky, however. I have an amazing support system of friends, family, and professionals, all of whom have helped me in so many ways as I once again go through the ordeal of trying to get life back on track. The temptation to mope and whine is immense, and I sometimes give in. Hell, I’m kind of in a mopey and whiney mood right now. But in the end, I know that I’m working towards a goal. Regardless of how long it takes to get there, at least I can say that I am trying.

I hope I wasn’t too boring. I’d love to hear comments/feedback, particularly from anyone who understands what I am going through. I hope my story has at least helped someone out there know that they are not alone, or helped someone understand the nature of ADD and depression. If it hasn’t, well…it felt good to pour it out. And that’s what counts.

Although I’ve been considered an “adult” for several years now, I don’t think I truly became an adult until this past summer. These last few months have been life changing. It’s amazing how my entire existence has shifted because of one decision I decided I was finally strong enough to make. I recognize that the maturity I’ve developed is of my own doing. However, I’ve been fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing people who have impacted me more than they will ever know. Their love, encouragement, and support have made this “growing up” process so much more bearable.

My best friend since our Catholic schoolgirl days. You’ve witnessed my horrendous fashion choices, silly crushes, and the most intense ups and downs of my life. We’ve watched each other grow and and change from dramatic teenagers to strong young women. Although we don’t see each other as often as we used to, we’ve somehow managed to stay close friends, and are always able to pick up right where we left off. I’ve always been able to count on you through the tough times, and this summer was no exception. You’re the one I turn to when I need someone who cares, understands, and empathizes. I’m so glad we’ve remained close over the years, and I hope our friendship continues. (We still have each other’s weddings to witness, and then some!)

The first real friend I made in college. We’ve only been friends for a couple years, but I feel like I’ve known you forever. It was quite surprising to learn that the girl sitting behind me in English 46B could practically be my twin! We’ve had our heart-to-hearts, our political arguments, our “let’s plan a trip to/take a class in/make a day of ____” moments. (We still need to accomplish quite a few of those!) I can always count on your honesty, your insight, and your blunt sense of humor to get me through the tough stuff. Two brainy Asian chicks with inquiring minds and a hell of a lot to say…our friendship will never be boring!

My favorite gamer, and the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. Meeting you was life-changing…the best thing to happen to me in quite some time. You’ve been my backbone during such an intense time in my life. I always look forward to our daily never-ending phone calls, our sushi/indie flick dates, and endless hours of hanging out and playing video games. You always seem to know what I need without me needing to say a word. The connection we have is so rare and hard to find; I didn’t even believe such a connection existed until you came into my life. Your love and friendship have truly been a blessing, and while I hope we continue to be in each other’s lives, I will never forget this past summer. Regardless of any labels we may give to “us” or one another, you are the one who taught me what it means to truly love someone, and how amazing it feels to be loved. Everything I’ve ever wanted, I’ve found in you.

I’ve loved before. No, correction – I loved the idea of being in love. I dated my ex-boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. I ignored the fact that he was the only guy I had ever dated, and I allowed myself to believe that I would be ok staying with a guy who failed to make my heart sing. I wanted to say I was in love with him, but that wasn’t the case. I was in love with the idea of a relationship, the idea of being able to brag about how long we had been together, the idea of having a constant companion. However, as we grew older, it grew more and more apparent that we had almost nothing in common. And let’s face it, it’s hard to imagine a relationship between a type-A aspiring lawyer and an unmotivated wannabe actor lasting past college. (Hell, I’m surprised it lasted past high school.)

I finally found the cajones to dump him in May. I’ve since reevaluated what I want out of life, friends, and men. I need people in my life who are intellectually stimulating, motivating, supportive of me and my interests, and will love me regardless of what’s going on in my life or with my mental state. Furthermore, I need a man who…well, can be a man. (Cue the bad Spice Girls music: “I need a man, not a boy who thinks he can!”)

He’s just as motivated as I am when it comes to life goals; he wants to be a doctor, and I’m looking towards law. He loves ethnic food as much as I do (sushi dates are a must every time we get together). He’s incredibly intelligent (we’re talking high end of the gifted spectrum here) and reads even more often than I do. He can almost kick my butt at Scrabble. He can cook and bake, and actually loves my baking. He encourages my knitting and spinning, and even motivated me to pick them up again; I had stopped soon after the breakup. We spend hours on the phone doing everything from chatting to playing video games to watching episodes of The Office at the same time. He understands my family issues and how culturally influenced they are, since he goes through the same thing. He knows me inside and out, so well that he can do everything from recommend video games/movies/books that I’ll definitely love, to being able to tell if I’m upset without me saying a word. He tells my I’m beautiful and actually means it (i.e., isn’t trying to get into my pants…well I mean, I know he wants in, he is a 22 year old guy after all…but you know what I mean). He’s my best friend. He loves me as I am now. And for once, I know what being in love actually feels like.

The catch? Yes, there’s always a catch. Well, I suppose that’s for another post. I really don’t want to think about the caveats right now. Tonight, I am going to indulge the hopeless romantic side of me, and just enjoy being lucky enough to be in love with my best friend.

My posts will likely consist of random knitting/spinning photos, life’s general musings (school, work, family, friends, a certain fellow nerd/gamer whose ability to almost beat me at Scrabble makes me weak in the knees), recipes that I’ve written myself but will likely forget unless I post them somewhere, and ranting about my latest gaming timesuck (Chrono Trigger, how I love thee). Whew, that was a long sentence. Yes, I am choosing to remain blissfully ignorant of how poorly written it is. Hey, it’s my blog, deal with it.

And that’s all there is…