Four. (Pouring My Heart Out)

This post will be long and a bit emotional. However, my story has happened to thousands of other people, including friends of mine. Perhaps, by sharing my story, someone out there will see that they are not alone.

I have dealt with mood disorders since I was 16. Since then, I have had quite a few depressive episodes, and I have bounced back from them as well. However, I have never managed to find the root of my disorder until recently.

I am lucky enough to have found an amazingly helpful psychiatrist, and he actually took the possibility that I have ADD very seriously. He sent me to a specialist to diagnose me, and sure enough, I’ve got a pretty severe case of it.

Contrary to popular belief, ADD isn’t always obvious from childhood, especially in girls. See, I have what is known as the inattentive type of ADD. I’m not hyperactive; I don’t squirm in my seat, I was never a troublemaker, etc. Inattentive ADD is quiet. People with inattentive ADD are unable to focus, easily distracted, unorganized, forgetful, and lethargic. These things aren’t easily spotted and thought of as a medical condition. Unfortunately, people with inattentive ADD often come off as lazy and unmotivated. Throughout all my years of schooling, I was thought of as a lazy underachiever by my parents, teachers, and fellow students. When you have so much negative reinforcement coming from so many angles, it is very easy to internalize it and believe it yourself. The result: anxiety and mood disorders. (You can check out the Wikipedia article for more information. I know Wikipedia isn’t always reliable, but this article cites reliable sources.)

I’ve always been an ambitious person. Essentially, I feel like a type-A personality trapped inside the mind of someone with ADD. I know that doesn’t make sense to most people, but that’s how it is. Wanting to be this type-A person, but being unable to achieve my high goals, and having so much negative reinforcement, have essentially been the catalysts for my mental illness. There are plenty of secondary factors (which I won’t get into right now), but at the core of it all, my ADD issues have resulted in all of the self-esteem issues and depressive episodes. I know ADD is very hard for people without it to understand, and understanding how it leads to depression may be even harder. You might think of me as whiney, or making excuses, or whatever. But, as a good friend would say, this is MY truth, and the truth of many others plagued by ADD and depression. Whether people understand or not isn’t going to change that fact.

I’m almost 23 and still do not have a degree. There is no way I can go back and fix things so that I would have a degree at a “typical” age. What I can do, however, is help myself, and that is what I am doing. For one, my psychiatrist has me on medication. Remember, ADD/ADHD are the result of a chemical imbalance, one that needs to be under control in order for the patient to get their life back on track. Two, I have just started seeing a therapist that is NOT about “talk therapy.” I don’t go there for an hour each week to cry and talk about my problems. She works me pretty hard: I am given homework, strategies, concrete ways of managing ADD.

I still have a long way to go. In fact, I’ve been in the middle of a long depressive episode. It wasn’t triggered by anything, which can be hard to understand. I’m lucky, however. I have an amazing support system of friends, family, and professionals, all of whom have helped me in so many ways as I once again go through the ordeal of trying to get life back on track. The temptation to mope and whine is immense, and I sometimes give in. Hell, I’m kind of in a mopey and whiney mood right now. But in the end, I know that I’m working towards a goal. Regardless of how long it takes to get there, at least I can say that I am trying.

I hope I wasn’t too boring. I’d love to hear comments/feedback, particularly from anyone who understands what I am going through. I hope my story has at least helped someone out there know that they are not alone, or helped someone understand the nature of ADD and depression. If it hasn’t, well…it felt good to pour it out. And that’s what counts.